❝ If you focus on what you've left behind, you'll never be able to see what lies ahead. ❞
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The fact that I can't change at all....
Saturday, October 29, 2011
I don't know how should I comprehend every single thought I have in me into words. All I can say it's that the feeling in me now is helpless, lifeless & hopeless. Totally have no mood for anything. Forcing myself to accept a fact that I don't wish to is really killing.No one knows how heartbroken am I at that very moment. I thought being good, being well-behaved & being hardworking is the only way to make the officers to think that I'm different from other clerks. I may be slacking most of the time. But when work comes, I've never turned anything down before. Everyone know it well. For all these that I've done, I don't ask for anything at all. Just hope that I can ORD peacefully & stay at where I am before. Eversince that malay came into our branch's strength, everything seems like to change. Officers & mdms seems not to like him much & keepig a look out for new clerks. God knows why the fuck that choose me among everyone. -.- I always thought that for those whom are bad will ended up in call-up branch & main branch would keep the good ones. But it seems like I'm wrong. The better you are, all the more call-up people would be eyeing on you. I believe my mistake is that I've been too good to everyone in camp. That's why I'm ended up like this now. Serve me right. To leave somewhere I've been trying to work hard on before, it's really unbearable. All my hard work for this branch, for the section has all gone to a wasted. I tried learning everything I have to learn asap & get my hands on things fast. Now I have to leave everything behind like as if I've never learnt anything up there & to learn new things which I've never like it before. There's no motivation for me to report every single day. Everyday when I wake up, the very first thing I think of is book out, report sick, take off or leave just to absent from work. When I'm at main branch, I've never think of not going back camp or whatsoever. I won't feel that the world is ending. Now the good life I used to have before are all gone. Nothing at all. I don't have the freedom I used to have, don't have the motivation I used to have, don't have the mood to do anything everyday. This is really killing me. It's only the 3rd working day there at call-up branch, yet I have all these thoughts. You won't understand how vexed I am everyday. The work load I have to handle with it's pretty much more than I used to handle before. What's more, I'm not even willing to do it at all. Zz. I really hope that DY would pull me back to main branch when the new clerks are posting in. It's better to start off with the bad then to start off with the good & ended up with the bad. But this is only a one-sided thinking. I guess the chances of coming back is as good as zero. I really can't convince myself to accept everything. Even if it takes time to, I guess I'll never walk-out of all these thought I have now. Sigh. My body may be downstairs, but my soul will always be upstairs. |
Yours Faithfully
 ❝ Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go. ❞ >> FACEBOOK. / j-forjohnson@hotmail.com Comments
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